Short Story - The Battle of Stirling Bridge

Here follows an account of The Battle of Stirling Bridge, as witnessed in person by John McAlpine, professor of history at Stirling University.

The Battle of Stirling Bridge took place on Saturday 11th January 2025, and was contested between the side of “The Stirling Starlings”, led by Mr Arthur MacKenzie, and “Dando’s Dragons”, led by Mr Daniel “Dando” Stewart, hereafter simply referred to as Dando, at the request of the individual mentioned.

It was, in fact, Dando who contacted the university and requested the presence of an historian of good repute, so that the historical event that was about to unfold could be documented, and thereafter studied. It is unknown by this writer how Dando managed to convince Mr Shields, Rector of Stirling University, to assist in the matter of providing an official documentarian, but it was observed with interest that the rector swiftly attempted to conceal three bottles of Buckfast inside his desk drawer upon hearing someone coming into his office.

The “battle” (as I have been instructed to call it) was officiated by Graham Scott, a newly qualified referee with the Scottish Football Association. When later questioned about how his involvement in such an event came to be, Mr Scott replied that the FA had been contacted about a so-called grassroots initiative. The association, always keen to support community endeavours, agreed to send Mr Scott to officiate the battle. The challenge was laid down by Dando, once Mr MacKenzie (of the Starlings) claimed that a team of “wee bastard neds” would stand “nae chance” against a seasoned squad of veterans.

This conversation came about due to an ongoing dispute between the two teams regarding the proper use of Memorial Park. Mr MacKenzie and his friends enjoyed quiet strolls in the park, feeding ducks and engaging in friendly gossip with their elderly companions. These outings were often disrupted by a stray football that would, on occasion, frighten the ducks away, ruin fish suppers, and on one occasion, broke the spectacles of one member of the Stirling Starlings. Mr Jim Jarvis subsequently spent two weeks walking into various lampposts and dog bins, much to the chagrin of the Starlings, and the glee of Dando’s Dragons. Dando himself is claimed to have laughed so hard on the last of these occasions that the Tennents lager he had been drinking came spilling out of his nostrils. This was when Mr MacKenzie furiously threw down his walking stick and marched up to Dando, shaking a fist in anger.

He was heard to have remarked: ‘Right, yeh (expletive)! Ah’ve had jist aboot enough o’ you (expletive)s and yer disregard for other park users! Ah’m gonnae phone the coonsil and get you wee (expletive)s banned fae this park. It wouldnae be so bad if yeh could actually play decent fitbaw, but yer baw kickin’s aboot as bad as yer sense o’ fashion.’

Dando – dressed in black tracksuit bottoms from Tesco's F&F range, a pink Scotland away top from 2016, and a Burberry cap – then challenged Mr MacKenzie to the battle. It was agreed in an official written document that Dando’s Dragons would square off against Mr MacKenzie’s Stirling Starlings in a 5v5 battle, with the losers agreeing to find an alternative park to meet up in. Despite the difference in age between the two groups (an average of some fifty-four years), no terms favouring the side more advanced in years was offered.

The battle was scheduled for 3:00pm, and would be contested in two fifteen-minute halves. At precisely 2:55pm, referee Graham Scott called the participants – five on each side – to the centre of the field. Neither side were dressed in appropriate battle attire; the Dragons wore outfits similar to that previously described of Dando, and the Starlings refused to take off their winter jackets, citing the cold January winds and the “affy suspicious-looking” black clouds looming on the horizon. Having won the coin toss, the Starlings opted to kick-off first, and the battle began exactly on schedule.

Mr MacKenzie attempted to pass the ball back towards the keeper (the only female player on the field – eighty-two year old Mrs Agnus McManus), who had just spotted her grandson cheering from the side. Distracted by enthusiastic waving to the young man, Mrs McManus appeared to have no idea that the battle had begun, and the ball rolled past her feet and straight into the back of the net. Dando’s Dragons erupted in a cheer so loud and wild that most of the members of the Starlings jolted.

‘One-nil!’ Dando cried. ‘It’s one-nil after fower seconds! This’ll be a piece o’ cake!’

Mrs McManus apologised to her teammates and the ball was returned to middle of the field. Upon kicking off once more, Mr MacKenzie passed the ball back to another of the Starlings, who instantly came under attack from Dando. Panicking, the player passed the ball back again to the goalkeeper, who was subsequently distracted by her grandson’s cry of: ‘watch it, Granny!’. Asking for clarification on what the boy was saying, Mrs McManus let a second goal in, much to the outrage of Mr MacKenzie.

Dando’s face streamed with so many tears of laughter that he would be seen rubbing at his face for the remainder of the first half. ‘Two goals and we’ve no even touched the baw yet!’

It was here that Mr MacKenzie called a timeout. Such an event is not usually permitted, but the Dragons (being altogether consumed by wild howling) didn’t seem to mind, and the referee made no attempt to stop the huddle that the Starlings formed. It was agreed among the players that Mrs McManus should remain in goal on the promise that she looks at nothing except the ball, ignoring any call to her, even if it was from her grandson. It was also proposed that the Dragons, comfortable with their early lead, might now become overconfident and complacent. A plan was formed.

The hypothesis about overconfidence turned out to be correct: Dando and his teammates got control of the ball early, and instead of going on the attack, they lured the members of the Starlings in before drawing the ball back and playing keepie-ups. As the young players continued to tease the other side, Mr Jarvis was seen slowly making his way towards the Dragons’ goal. When he was close enough, Mr MacKenzie made a sudden move towards the ball, kicking it in the direction of Mr Jarvis. Mr Jarvis, half-way through a sentence about how he thought his new glasses weren’t quite right, happened to be exactly in the correct position. Making no move, the ball bounced off his head and sailed into the back of the Dragons’ net.

The celebration among the Starlings caused a malfunction in Mrs McManus’ hearing aid. One hand clasped to her ear in apparent pain, and the other flung into the air, she fell to the grass and remarked: ‘oh yeh dancer!’

The first half came to an end and the Dragons left the field with much swearing and stamping of feet, while the Starlings left with a look of mild optimism in their faces. Mr MacKenzie took the five-minute break as an opportunity to motivate his team with a speech.

‘We staund in the shadow o’ William Wallace! He’s watchin’ fae the monument. Whit d’yeh think he would say tae us? He would say that we’ve got tae fight against these wee neds! Fight for honour! For freedom!’

It was then that Mrs McManus’ eyes lit up. She commented that the talk of battles made her think of the Romans, who had several brilliant strategies for winning. She proposed that the team follow one of these.

Early into the second half, the Starlings had control. Mr MacKenzie looked to his goalkeeper, whose eyes remained focused on the ball. After a cry of ‘now!’, Mrs McManus trotted to the middle of the field, taking control of the ball. The other Starlings surrounded her in a circle and linked arms.

‘That’s it, lads!’ Mrs McManus cried. ‘Just like the Romans!’

(NOTE FROM THE WRITER: Mrs McManus appears to be referring to the Testudo formation, a type of shield wall famously used by the Romans. What this writer witnessed was a little less impressive, but nevertheless quite genius.)

The Dragons were stunned, and could only watch as the Starlings simply walked into the net with the ball.

The score was even.

The ball was brought back to the centre while Mr MacKenzie attempted to calm his teammates, who were seen whooping, cheering, and jumping up and down so enthusiastically that Mr Jarvis’ false teeth had to be collected from the floor before anyone might step on them.

‘Keep focused!’ Mr MacKenzie urged. ‘Keep it thegither! We only need one more!’

The clock showed that only a few seconds remained. The audience watched on with stunned silence as the referee blew the whistle. Dando, seeing his chance, struck the ball so hard that the sound it produced set off three of the Starlings’ hearing aids. They clutched at their ears in pain as the ball soared towards the goal Mrs McManus was defending. But in a stroke of good fortune, the ball didn’t find the back of the net: it crashed off Mr Jarvis’ face, breaking his new glasses and sending the man crashing to the grass before rebounding and whizzing past the Dragons’ goal.

Full time score: Starlings 3, Dragons 2.

A full-scale pitch invasion like nothing this writer has ever witnessed commenced. Celebrations across the field combined with several off-duty first aiders rushing to the aid of the injured Starlings. Mr MacKenzie offered a handshake to Dando only to pull it away at the last second before raising a middle finger and shouting a word which cannot civilly be reproduced in this account.

The Starlings made a full recovery, and no member of Dando’s Dragons have been spotted in Monument Park since. Stirling Council recently rejected an application to build a statue of Mr Jarvis wearing the broken glasses that won the Starlings’ freedom from the Dragons, but it was declined, citing it was not appropriate to compare Mr Jarvis to William Wallace, whom they wanted the statue to stand beside.

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This story was shortlisted for Writing Magazine's "Funny Situation" contest.